BE WARNED! ENTRY MIGHT OFFEND YOU! IF YOU THINK YOU'LL BE OFFENDED, STOP READING.
If you want to read this entry, fine, but don't email and tell me you are offended. I'm going to use some strong language and say some stuff that might offend some of you. It's my journal. Get over it or stop reading.
And don't email me offering me advice. I don't want any. Also, don't email me and tell me that you and your boyfriend of two weeks were apart for the weekend and it was okay. I don't want to hear about it. Your relationship might be wonderful, but it's not the same as mine, and hearing about your triumph over separation won't help me feel any better about mine.
I'm not a negative person and I'm not a pessimist. I'm having a rough patch and I need to vent. This is a side of myself that I don't let out too much. If you don't like it, don't read on, but don't criticize me for it if you do decide to read.
For days I've been trying to get myself to write a nice, polite entry about my old friend Eileen, with whom I've been having an ongoing correspondence. She is the only person who is able to comfort me right now, so unless you are her, don't email me trying to make me feel better. She's got a knack. Anyway, I was going to write about how much I'm enjoying talking to her (via email) again, but I can't. I can't because I'm overwhelmed with just how much this whole situation with Andrew sucks.
I'm lonely. Yes, Andrew is safe and we speak via email or phone or IM daily. I don't care. I want him to come home. I am sad and depressed and have very little motivation. I don't want people to keep coming over and trying to distract me from my missing of Andrew. It doesn't really help. Like last night, Evan came over to watch Buffy with me. He was trying to be nice (I know, shocking!) so I, you know, don't lock myself in my apartment and never speak to other people. But then I found that I couldn't fully emote on the Buffage. Which was bad because I should've been bawling, but I just cried a teensy bit. I didn't get my catharsis.
*Dawson's Creek finale spoiler alert*
Tonight I watched the Dawson's Creek finale. I only watched the show periodically during its run, but was always a fan of Joey and Pacey. So I got my catharsis at the end of that. I mean, I really cried! Pacey always kinda reminded me of Andrew - not that Andrew's a bad boy, but there's just something about him. Dawson's a dork and too much of a good boy. Pacey's sexy and smart and funny.
*end-o-spoiler*
I still don't have a stupid job, which only makes things suck worse. I hate job hunting. I am 29 and have a Master's degree, and yet I have to resort to applying for jobs at CompUSA? What is THAT about?! I've applied for at LEAST 30 jobs and NOTHING. The temp place still hasn't called back with any jobs for me. It does not help that I have like NO motivation to do this. I don't want to have to have some stupid job for 3 months. I just want to visit Andrew. That's about the only thing that will help.
I've already had to spend my birthday apart from him. It looks very unlikely that I'll be spending our 10th anniversary in Oxford. My stupid American Express points don't roll over until the end of the month. So we'll spend Easter, my birthday, our 10th anniversary, and our 6th wedding anniversary apart. And by the time he comes back we'll have a week or two before the school year and mega-stress starts. I love teaching, but it's a very consuming job for me.
Look, I realize I'm really, really lucky to have such a great guy and strong marriage. I have no concerns that we'll break up or grow apart or cheat on each other or anything like that. That's not it. It just SUCKS having to be apart. I want hugs and kisses. I want to sack out on the LoveSac watching TV with him. I want to feel safer at night because my husband is next to me.
The thing is that Andrew and I have a philosophy - Follow Your Bliss. It's his more than mine, really. We've always lived our life together following our hearts. Sometimes we did dumb things because of it, but we've been remarkably happy living that way. It's why Andrew is at Oxford and why we're married, but also why he gets sick of jobs and apartments so fast. We take it one day at a time and do everything we can to be happy that day. So it seems frustrating to be spending so much time apart when it makes us both very unhappy. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So I say again, don't email me and tell me it'll be okay or whatever wonderful uplifting thing you're thinking. I know it'll be okay. But right now it sucks. I just want to see my husband for our 10th anniversary and I can't because of stupid money. Grr.
Posted by Erin at May 14, 2003 11:32 PM