I have no business writing this right now because I am at work, but I feel guilty that I haven't been up on my entries lately, so here I am. Actually, I am not slacking, per se. I'm filling in for the gent in charge of 'Stationery Stores' for a few days (that's the office supplies department for you Yanks) and have caught up on everything. I simply have to wait another 15 minutes for 'counter service' time to end before I can do anything else. So if I weren't writing this I'd either be reading The Fellowship of the Ring (finished The Hobbit Saturday) or literally doing nothing. Still, there's a little guilt going on.
I don't know why, but lately I haven't been making the time to write much. I haven't been working on my novel every day. In fact, it's been like once a week for half an hour or an hour - and you've probably noticed the slowing of the web site. I can't explain it. I feel busy - very busy. I've had the normal work schedule and slightly more hectic social life of in-term Oxford life (parties, dinners, bops, etc.) but that doesn't seem to explain it. I was feeling pretty sick for a week or two, but that seems to have passed, too. It's a mystery, I suppose.
Since I've been reading so much and so quickly (I've read 3 rather long books in the last 3 weeks) I do WANT to write. It puts me in the right frame of mind to create (binder-clip land, if you will), but I do the vast majority of my reading at work or other times when I'm unable to write (on the bus, waiting in line, etc.).
It's such a pain that we don't live closer sometimes. That is certainly part of the problem. Our flat is a 30-minute walk from Hertford and with no internet access and very little space, we don't like to spend much time there. Besides, our friends and food and such are all at Hertford or close by. So we spend the vast majority of our days in town. After I get off work at noon, I generally meet Andrew and friends for lunch at Hertford. After lunch, I want to go home and get out of my nerdy work clothes and into slightly less nerdy civillian attire. The problem with this is that it takes at least an hour to get home, change, and get back into town. That means that it's at least 3 in the afternoon before I can even think of beginning to write. Even if I take the bus or bike home, I tend to have errands to run and chores to do and it's still 3 when I arrive at the library and am able to use my computer.
Then it's email and web surfing time for a while. I read friends' sites, answer emails and try - *try* - to update my own site if I have a topic I think is fairly readable. And by the time that's over it tends to seem like I've lost all my motivation and time to really write. At 5:30, we go to evening prayers at the chapel and then to dinner, so then my next time to write is after 7, when Andrew is usually finished for the day and eager to spend time with me.
So I guess the real problem is, again, not that I don't *have* time to write so much as I don't *make* time to write. It's stupid, really, because I love writing like a lifelong friend and I feel it's my calling. Since I was little I've felt that I was blessed with this gift and called to use it. And yet, too often, I end up running to the drug store and the million other things that life throws in my path rather than staying focused on what I need and want to do. The hard fact is that there ISN'T enough time in my day - even if I only work part time - to do all the errands, work, exercise properly, keep up with the web site and correspondence, spend time with friends and family, keep up with the news, and finish my novel. I need to make better choices.
Remember when you were a kid and you actually got bored? I'm not saying childhood is all wonderful, believe me. In fact, a lot of it is pretty awful (and too often I think we forget that and imagine it was an utterly care-free existence wherein we had no worries, responsibilities or stresses - but that's another entry altogether). But one thing I did have in childhood that I NEVER have now is boredom. I hated it then, but now I sometimes miss it. I always have something to do now. Even without a teaching career packed on my back, I am plenty busy with my one-room apartment, part-time job and no kids. Seems funny that with so little to keep track of I should still need to keep my Palm updated to know what I'm doing when. I guess that's just my nature - or maybe the nature of being 28. I keep a tight schedule even with seemingly few obligations. Where does the time go? For sure, as you get older, it speeds up.
Posted by Erin at February 10, 2003 11:31 AMwhen i was living in paris for four months i thought i was going to have all of this time for inner reflection and writing and journaling and such. not the case at all. while i was there is was so busy soaking up everything - and that was with walking around, meeting people and seeing things - that i didn't have time for anything else. but, when i came back home afterward i had a million things to write about. while you're there - even though it is for a lot longer than four months - i am sure it is wonderful for your writing for you to be doing so many things, makes for more to write about later. i think that we need to see pictures of the "nerdy work attire". :)
Posted by: jane at February 10, 2003 08:11 PMIt has been said that if you want to find someone who will get things done find someone who is busy-- not someone who has time on their hands. Plus my friends who are retiring find that they can't get everything done that they need to do and are busier than they were before they retired. All to simply say that our projects will fill our time--no matter what--and its a matter of what many different priorities (or in some cases demands of others) that determines what we end up doing first or last. I wish it was always a matter of what we enjoy doing that comes first but it sure doesn't work out that way with me.
Hang in there
DAD
Well Mrs H, I'm very surprised that you have time in your life to write at all. You seem to have every available hour filled. I'm sure readers of your blog would understand if you took a couple of days off - so long as it was to work on your novel!
Perhaps you could cut down on the reading - I know you like 'big' works to get your teeth into, but something has to give.
Good luck anyway!
Posted by: Dave Loveblanket at February 11, 2003 10:19 AM